Jesus, I am resting, resting...

"Jesus, I am resting, resting in the joy of what thou art; 

I am finding out the greatness of thy loving heart."

No one ever mentions how hard it is to step out into a great adventure. There is an intoxicating excitement that covers up all the fears and doubts. Eventually, however, the infatuation wears off. That's when you're faced with the reality of a decision that you made, and that you have to stick with. 

I'm taking a gap year this coming Fall and Spring. I made this decision earlier this semester and am going to stick with it 100%, but I didn't realize how frustrating and hard it was going to be. Leaving this place is so much more than just moving my clothes and possessions; it's saying goodbye to friendships that have shaped me and helped me survive; it's leaving my best friends and knowing that relationships will move on without me; it's knowing that I'll be missing one of the most important years for my sister. There's something to be said about the friendships you make in college--everyone says college where you make your best friends. After my first semester I lost all hope in that promise. And maybe it won't be like that for me, but I couldn't have been more wrong in thinking that I was so unaffected by people here. I'm still the same person, but my heart has changed. This entire college thing has been, to say the least, something that has stretched me to my limit. I am, for the first time, realizing how much I'm going to miss this place. It's funny how God works sometimes. I don't really understand it.

The excerpt from the hymn above has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I have to verbally tell myself that I am resting in Jesus. That this whole process is gradual--it's happening right now in the present. It doesn't happen over night or at one time. The song says, "I am finding out the greatness of thy loving heart." Finding, not found. I'm beginning to understand that this is my life. I have to live resting. I have to believe that God is showing me his loving heart. Gradually. Slowly. I can't see it all yet, but I will sing, Jesus, I am resting, resting!