"Be Still, My Soul"

"Make your choice, adventurous Stranger,

Strike the bell and bide the danger,

Or wonder, till it drives you mad,

What would have followed if you had."

You can ask anyone in my family and they'll tell you I'm not one to run after adventure or change. I mostly like to remain in the security and familiarity of my own home and city. Change, however, isn't ruled by any preference of mine, and so has thrown me into its hurricane of adventure for this next year.  What I'm realizing, though, is that, up until now, I've always expected my life to eventually go back to something settled and normal, where I can live in one place for a good chunk of time, and be confident that the relationships I make there will be there forever. As much as I would LOVE for this to happen, I'm just not so sure anymore that it will be so. There really isn't much point in trying to make this a philosophical essay--I'm scared of the future, I strongly dislike change, and I really hate saying goodbye. I am just beginning my gap year. Starting out I'll be here in Asheville at home, taking a few classes at AB Tech, working some at the Barn, applying to schools, and just hanging out with people (I'm pretty pumped about that!). From January 2 to March 31 I'll be living on the Africa MercyShips boat on the coast of Guinea, West Africa (really nervous/excited about this). Then maybe, if I can convince my parents, I'll stay a few more weeks and visit some friends of ours living in Africa. And then I'll come back and most likely finish planning a wedding for a close family member... 

For someone who doesn't like change all that much, I'm sure doing a bunch of random things. God must have a sense of humor. I'm trying to laugh through my tears... And even though I am scared out of my mind, I am just as excited--if not more excited--about the things God will do and work in others' lives and in my life. About saying goodbye to people....this is a whole other subject to touch on. Right now I have no idea what God is doing and I'm finding it extremely hard to trust His will. I worked at camp Hollymont this summer and saying goodbye to my coco, Callie, was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. And I don't know when I'll see her again. If I was planning on going back to Covenant, Callie's goodbye would be less on my mind because I would be distracted by all the business of going back to school. But I'm not going back. And on top of all this I have to face the fact that my sister is going back, along with my lovely roommie Kel and my dear friend Whit. Like the poem above I keep thinking about "what would have followed" had I not taken this year off. What would have happened?....I must guard against these thoughts because I DO believe that where I am is God's plan. My mom reminded my that its hardest when I dwell on all the things I'll be missing, and that  I'm not missing the things God has for me because He has me right here right now. Unfortunately that doesn't all of a sudden make everything better. The hymn, "Be Still, My Soul" has been on my mind lately--especially the four lines in bold below.

~

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.


Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.


Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.


Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.